The Recon Job

Harry walked into the crime boss’s office and plopped a canvas bag on his desk.

“What’s this?”

“That is a bank bag,” said Harry.

“I can see that, but you were supposed to do a recon job for me, not bring me a bank bag. What happened?”

“Well, I didn’t get the recon job done.”

“Why not?” exclaimed the crime boss.

“May I sit?”

The crime boss nodded and Harry sat down on a chair facing the desk.

Harry sighed, “I went to do the recon job as you asked. I had left early so I would have plenty of time. But as I was heading there, I came upon a Mexican restaurant serving Jalisco style food. I really like Jalisco so I stopped for lunch and had a wonderful meal.”

“What’s that got to do with the job?”

Harry pulled out a cigar, “May I? It’s Cuban.”

The boss shook his head, “I don’t like the smell of cigars.”

Harry put the cigar back into his front pocket, “After I left the restaurant, still having plenty of time to get to the recon site, I felt a rumble in my stomach which quickly moved down to my bowels. Thinking it was gas, I lifted my right cheek. Unfortunately, it wasn’t gas. I sharted myself.”

The boss looked confused, “Sharted? What the hell is that?”

Harry hung his head and said, “Well, a shart is when you go to pass gas and more than a fart comes out.”

The boss laughed and indicated for Harry to continue.

“I quickly pulled to the side of the road. It was a back road, so no one else was around. As my stomach was still rumbling, I leapt out of the car and ran twenty feet into a field by the road. I barely got my pants off before my bowels erupted.”

The boss steepled his hands below his chin.

Harry continued, “Then I went to the trunk of my car and pulled out a towel and a shovel. I always believe in being prepared, but I hadn’t thought of bringing a spare pair of pants. I used the towel to clean myself off.”

“That is an image I’d rather not picture. What’s with the shovel?”

“Well, there was no way I was going to put my pants and the towel back into the car. I didn’t want to litter either, so the shovel was to dig a hole to bury them and the mess I made in the field. There I am, digging away in the field by the road, naked from the waist down when I heard a thunk.”

“A thunk?” the boss leaned forward glancing at the bank bag.

“A thunk, then as I continued to dig, more thunks until I unearthed a old wooden box. I lifted the box and it crumbled in my hands. But there was that bank bag inside.”

“This bank bag?”

“Yes. I peeked inside and saw it was filled with money. I took three of the hundred dollar bills to buy a new towel and new pants. Also to get my car thoroughly clean inside and out. Since I was supposed to be doing a job for you, I figure that the money is yours. I don’t know why someone buried it. Maybe they were dumb and forgot about it.”

“I’m disappointed you didn’t do the recon job, but I do believe you have redeemed yourself by bringing me this bag. Consider your debt to me paid in full.”

“Thank you so very much!”

The boss opened the bag and dumped the money on his desk, Bundles of hundreds and fifties spread all over his desk. The boss grinned widely. Then he picked up one bundle with a curious look.

“This is different, I wonder why…”

BANG! The dye pack hidden in the bundle exploded with purple dye. The dye went everywhere. All over the money, on the boss and also the wall behind him. The boss froze in shock.

Harry quietly said under his breath, “I guess the bank robbers weren’t as dumb as I thought,” as he slunk out of the room.

All stories of Harry Gruen are now linked on the Storylines page if you wish to read them all.

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